Managing Difficult Parties – Key Takeaways

I. Understanding Conflict

What conflict is

• Conflict arises when one person’s choices interfere with another’s interests.

• It appears in relational, task-based, and process-based forms.

Common causes in public settings

• Missing or unclear information

• Ambiguous roles

• Limited resources

• Power imbalances

• Stressful environments

• Personality clashes

Different goals

• Professionals aim for efficiency and fairness.

• Parties often want to win and be heard.

II. How Conflict Is Performed

Conflict management styles

• Competing (win/lose)

• Avoiding (deny conflict)

• Accommodating (give in)

• Compromising (each gives a little)

• Collaborating (everyone wins)

Tactics

• Integrative: prosocial, solution-oriented

• Distributive: self-focused, controlling

• People choose tactics based on desired outcomes, perceived risks, and whether they think the conflict is solvable.

III. Personality & High‑Conflict Behavior

Traits vs. states

• Traits are stable patterns of behavior.

• States are momentary reactions.

Why some people express high conflict

• High sensitivity

• Competitiveness

• Lack of skills or information

• Fear, intimidation, frustration, or crisis

Personality disorders discussed

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder: inflated self-importance, hypersensitivity, blame-shifting, lack of empathy.

• Borderline Personality Disorder: fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, impulsivity, intense emotions.

Mood disorders

• Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder—can influence conflict expression.

Characteristics of high‑conflict people

• Strong attachment to conflict

• Blaming others

• All‑or‑nothing thinking

• Intense emotions

• Extreme or threatening behavior

Rumination

• Persistent negative thinking that intensifies conflict and increases use of aggressive tactics.

Impact on others

• Burnout

• Noncompliance

• Emotional exhaustion

• Reputation attacks

• Difficulty achieving closure

️ IV. Strategies for Managing Difficult Parties

Foundational reminders

• High‑conflict individuals may not behave “normally.”

• They may feel threatened, be emotionally dysregulated, or operate from a distorted reality.

Avoid common traps

• Manipulation or triangulation

• Blame cycles

• Boundary violations

• Charm‑then‑blame patterns

• Emotional hooks (fear, defensiveness, empathy exploitation)

Primary strategies

• Don’t take behavior personally.

• Engage them in tasks or solutions.

Thought strategies

• Detach and observe.

• Accept that you cannot “fix” their behavior.

• Know your boundaries.

• Focus on reasonable outcomes.

• Repeat internally: “It’s not about me.”

Messaging strategies

• Use BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

• Model calm, matter‑of‑fact behavior.

• Focus on future outcomes, not past behavior.

• Use noncommittal but respectful language.

• Allow them to preserve a sense of control.

De‑escalation

• Listen actively.

• Reduce perceived threat.

• Give time for emotions to settle.

• Explain rules and why they must be followed.

• Slow down, breathe, lower your volume.

• Take breaks or end the encounter if needed.

If you’d like, I can also turn this into:

• A one‑page bench card

• A quick‑reference checklist

• A training handout

• A script for hearings involving high‑conflict parties